Last Day. First Day…
Yesterday was my last day of active treatment, my final radiation.
There was a huge storm predicted that didn’t come which made the anticipation of driving to the hospital for this final treatment more loaded. The machine was down when I arrived, and the doctor was called into a procedure. So what would have been a final boost—quick in and out became an hours long experience.
So many mixed feelings. They tell you this. The nurses, doctors, technicians, social workers. They prepare you for this.
This is one of those experiences that you can’t appreciate or understand until you go through it. That said, cancer is so widespread why don’t we know this? Why didn’t I know this? Why is all of this just not common knowledge in the mass awareness? This and so many other things that a large percentage of folks are experiencing that those of us dealing with our own situations are outside of. There is only so much we can digest and manage?
People who do not know this respond in different ways. One person always interacts with me in a performative way. It’s uncomfortable. Expecting me to be jubilant, noticeably waiting for me to react the way they want me to and putting pressure on me, disappointed or judging when I do not perform back. They have been like this my entire journey. I know they are “being kind” however, I prefer to not engage with this type of kindness. For me, it takes more energy to deal with this, a net-negative. It requires me to engage my compassion and to be generous, which I can do under any circumstance.
The oncologist let me know yesterday that the exhaustion and the skin burns will get worse before it gets better, hasn’t peaked yet, be gentle with myself. I need to keep “lotioning” for the foreseeable as long as I can still tell that the skin received radiation. (He made it sound like a very very long time). It’s leathery, peeling, some blisters, sunburny beet red-purple. And the exhaustion from all the radiation which kicks up an inflammatory response, lots of cytokines (the things that make you feel crappy tired and depressed when you have the flu) could last for a month more or longer.
Hurray?
Even if I am relieved that treatment is “over” I still have the exhaustion and the burns. I have neuropathy and joint pain. They tell you you will feel like yourself in about a year. After PT and time. And then there is the reality of all of the medical bills and debt accrued after a year of not being able to work much and having an onslaught of unexpected bills. The courage to look, the patience of how long it will take to recover also from this. I’ve heard stories, learned so much. I am not alone. This is a common story.
One friend as they have been throughout acknowledges the milestone and asks, is this something to celebrate, or not? How are you feeling? I’m here for it.
Just right. Space if I need it. Close if I need it. So grateful.
